CWG Grand Opening Ceremony live on ‘A’Corner! (Official Sponsor - Zandu balm)

After A.R. Rahman’s CWG anthem got sidelined, the Govt. of India today released a rocking new anthem for the big occasion. The night will kick off with a sizzling hot ‘Item Number’ by the ageless & agile Hon'ble CM Sheila Dikshit:

Dilli Badnaam Hui, Darling Tere Liye

" Dilli badnaam hui, darling tere liye... (3)
Dilli ke gaal gulabi, nain sharabi, chaal nawabi re
Le zandu balm hui, darling tere liye
Dilli badnaam hui, darling tere liye”

Followed by the entry theme song for the ‘Man of the Hour’ – Suresh Kalmadi. He will then shake a leg or two to the beats:

Udd Udd Dabangg Dabangg Dabangg Dabangg

“ Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (4)
Mann balwaan lagey chattaan rahe CWG maidaan mein aagey
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (2)
Jo jhunjaar ho tyaar wahi sardar sa lagey
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (2)
Daar ko kaate re, cheer dhare sanatte re
Jab veer bhare khunkhaare
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (2)”

Sssshhh… Pin drop silence. Spot lights will focus on Kalmadi.

(Subliminal message – A snake slithering free through the Games Village)

Kalmadi ji will pounce on the helpless animal and will resume singing embracing the King Cobra around his neck.

" Jab baat aan pe aave re woh baan karaj pe khaawe re

Woh sab ke praan snake se bachawe re hai wohi dabangg
Woh shoorveer kehlawe re sarkaal bane mandraave re
Dushman ko maar girawe re hai wohi dabangg
Daar ko kaate re, cheer dhare sanatte re
Jab veer bhare khunkhaare
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg…"

The authorities will draw the curtains with a victorious Kalmadi and the snake standing in ‘Shiva Thandavam’ pose. Then it’s solely upto them both to find a way to co-exist!

P.S. Sheila Ma’am is hoping to bag an endorsement for Zandu Balm, in hope of a subsequent livelihood, just like her predecessor Malaika Arora Khan, soon after her political tenure ends.

Inability To Spread Dengue - Suspected motive behind the recent honor killing amongst mosquitoes!

In what may be yet another suspected case of honor killing, the decomposed bodies of two mosquitoes, who eloped recently, have been found in a field in western U.P. The heads found severed, and though prima facie it appeared to be a case of honor killing, all angles are being looked into.

"It seems they were hit by some strong mosquito repellent spray or a coil. We suspect an honor killing and are recording the statements of their family members. We have also gathered some clues from the crime spot and very soon we will arrest the accused," Louie the Fly (Mortein ad antagonist), investigation officer of the case, said on Sunday.

Louie is adamant that the alleged motive is indeed the couple’s impotency a.k.a. inability to spread dengue/malaria in the streets of Delhi especially during the time of global star presence for the CWG. The 'Culicidae' family had dreams of exporting dengue globally at minimal costs by infecting all the foreign delegates, making them carriers. But the diffidence showed by the innocent couple may have forced the fraternity to cull them.

The victims identified as Houie, 22 (days), and Julia, 18 (days), were said to be in a relationship for the last 48-72 hours. An Odomos bottle was found lying near the bodies, and the exact cause of death would be known only after the autopsy report is received.

Meanwhile Louie has directed Good Knight, HIT, All Out, Mortein and other prominent mosquito killers not to leave the country, without prior permission of the court, till the investigation is completed.

Mahesh finds a new doubles partner in Lara...

After breaking up with long time partner Leander Paes and the Belarusian hunk Max Mirnyi, Mahesh Bhupathi has finally decided to settle for a Lara. Even though the not-so-straight-preferences of Mahesh & our scheme of plot, point directly to one Brian Lara, you got it all wrong, pal! This time it’s the ravishing former Miss Universe turned Bollywood damsel Lara Dutta. Bhupathi was claimed to be the apparent reason behind Lara dumping Dino Morea (a 'who'?). The lady has been held responsible for the divorce between Bhupathi and Shwetha Jaishankar (another 'who'?). The couple has of late given ample indications of their closeness, including hand-in-hand appearances at many award shows.

Then why the delayed announcement?

In a clandestine revelation, Lara’s confessional stated that she feared being Mahesh’s doubles partner, as it meant, performing the famous heart-wrenching ‘Lee-Hesh’ ‘chest bump’ after every volley won. To watch it on T.V. while sipping a health drink is one thing, but on the field, especially with a madman fuming with pride for ones’ nation, it’s one ridiculously insane act. PERIOD. What if the silicone implants get permanently distorted like what happened to Sania Mirza? No, it’s definitely not her cup of herbal tea.

Thus, it took a while for Mahesh to convince Lara, who decided to nod in approval only when a pleading Mahesh recited his wedding vows in filmy style.

“I, (Mahesh), take you (Lara), to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold (without any chest bumping) from this day forward, for better (Martina Hingis) or for worse (Rakhi Sawant), for richer (Neeta Ambani), for poorer (again Rakhi Sawant), in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

P.S. When asked, Rakhi was very much excited to do the chest bumping thingy along with anyone except Mika Singh, sources said.

Obama's Fear of the Darkness a.k.a. Outsourcing!

Jittered by the sight of Indo-Pak duo Rohan Bopanna & Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi continuing to make history at the US Open, reaching their maiden grand slam final, top seeded Bryan Brothers approached President Barack Obama, in an incognito summit, to put a halt to their winning streak. Obama was more than happy to oblige ever since he had a 'big time' complex with the Bollywood hunk John Abraham’s butt.

Consequence: OHIO BANNING OUTSOURCING

Reasoning: Discouraging the creation of jobs & profits in other countries will aid in hindering the progress of the developing nations, rendering them poor, fighting for survival!

“i.e. death of tennis, chess, soccer and snooker in the subcontinent. We no longer need to be afraid of the likes of Vishwanathan Anand, Paes/Bhupathi pair or even Pankaj Advani/Geet Sethi for that matter. Beware! Don’t stifle them in Cricket, yet. Then they may think of championing in other sports. Let them play cricket till we build up a ‘National Team’. By that time, even the stalwarts like Sachin & Sehwag will hopefully retire and hence winning wouldn’t be that difficult. Yes, We Can!” said an elated Obama after the hardcore threesome brainstorming session.

He also came up with a blinder of a speech by modifying some verses from Marianne Williamson’s book ‘A Return to Love’ saying, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is those third-world call centers who take our jobs away. It is our darkness (Precisely when it’s daytime for Indian call centers), not our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in every Americans (Screw the rest!). And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same (But don’t let those ‘Indian Slumdogs’ come up in life). As we are liberated from our own fear (outsourcing), our presence will automatically screw others and compel them to write their own epitaph.”

Wikipedia Going Glocal !

In a bid to localize the global content, the Wikimedia Foundation added Wikiglocal to the list of projects in its kitty. In an exclusive interview, Executive Director, Sue Gardner, discussed the changes in the industry and the reasons that lead to this transition. “Wikimedia is funded primarily through donations by hundreds of thousands of individuals, but also through several grants and gifts of servers and hosting,” said Ms. Gardner. “There are a lot of disputed territories, practices and customs in this big, bad, & ugly world which may be pristine to ones eye while deeply flawed to another’s. Thus 'Wikiglocal' is a tailor-made platform which helps in synthesizing this information thereby giving customized knowledge to those scoundrels who wants it that way!”

In short, you may find 'Arunachal Pradesh' as an integral part of India when viewed from the subcontinent while it may be named 'Xinxaou' province if some Chinese views it from Mainland China. Similarly, if a Pakistani wants to go(ogle) 'Sania Mirza', they will be graciously directed to 'Sania Malik’s' page (see pic). Same goes for Jesusama – Believe it or Not!