All Set to Rock the Govt.

The Che! Factor

CWG Grand Opening Ceremony live on ‘A’Corner! (Official Sponsor - Zandu balm)

After A.R. Rahman’s CWG anthem got sidelined, the Govt. of India today released a rocking new anthem for the big occasion. The night will kick off with a sizzling hot ‘Item Number’ by the ageless & agile Hon'ble CM Sheila Dikshit:

Dilli Badnaam Hui, Darling Tere Liye

" Dilli badnaam hui, darling tere liye... (3)
Dilli ke gaal gulabi, nain sharabi, chaal nawabi re
Le zandu balm hui, darling tere liye
Dilli badnaam hui, darling tere liye”

Followed by the entry theme song for the ‘Man of the Hour’ – Suresh Kalmadi. He will then shake a leg or two to the beats:

Udd Udd Dabangg Dabangg Dabangg Dabangg

“ Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (4)
Mann balwaan lagey chattaan rahe CWG maidaan mein aagey
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (2)
Jo jhunjaar ho tyaar wahi sardar sa lagey
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (2)
Daar ko kaate re, cheer dhare sanatte re
Jab veer bhare khunkhaare
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg… (2)”

Sssshhh… Pin drop silence. Spot lights will focus on Kalmadi.

(Subliminal message – A snake slithering free through the Games Village)

Kalmadi ji will pounce on the helpless animal and will resume singing embracing the King Cobra around his neck.

" Jab baat aan pe aave re woh baan karaj pe khaawe re

Woh sab ke praan snake se bachawe re hai wohi dabangg
Woh shoorveer kehlawe re sarkaal bane mandraave re
Dushman ko maar girawe re hai wohi dabangg
Daar ko kaate re, cheer dhare sanatte re
Jab veer bhare khunkhaare
Udd udd dabangg dabangg dabangg dabangg…"

The authorities will draw the curtains with a victorious Kalmadi and the snake standing in ‘Shiva Thandavam’ pose. Then it’s solely upto them both to find a way to co-exist!

P.S. Sheila Ma’am is hoping to bag an endorsement for Zandu Balm, in hope of a subsequent livelihood, just like her predecessor Malaika Arora Khan, soon after her political tenure ends.

Inability To Spread Dengue - Suspected motive behind the recent honor killing amongst mosquitoes!

In what may be yet another suspected case of honor killing, the decomposed bodies of two mosquitoes, who eloped recently, have been found in a field in western U.P. The heads found severed, and though prima facie it appeared to be a case of honor killing, all angles are being looked into.

"It seems they were hit by some strong mosquito repellent spray or a coil. We suspect an honor killing and are recording the statements of their family members. We have also gathered some clues from the crime spot and very soon we will arrest the accused," Louie the Fly (Mortein ad antagonist), investigation officer of the case, said on Sunday.

Louie is adamant that the alleged motive is indeed the couple’s impotency a.k.a. inability to spread dengue/malaria in the streets of Delhi especially during the time of global star presence for the CWG. The 'Culicidae' family had dreams of exporting dengue globally at minimal costs by infecting all the foreign delegates, making them carriers. But the diffidence showed by the innocent couple may have forced the fraternity to cull them.

The victims identified as Houie, 22 (days), and Julia, 18 (days), were said to be in a relationship for the last 48-72 hours. An Odomos bottle was found lying near the bodies, and the exact cause of death would be known only after the autopsy report is received.

Meanwhile Louie has directed Good Knight, HIT, All Out, Mortein and other prominent mosquito killers not to leave the country, without prior permission of the court, till the investigation is completed.

Mahesh finds a new doubles partner in Lara...

After breaking up with long time partner Leander Paes and the Belarusian hunk Max Mirnyi, Mahesh Bhupathi has finally decided to settle for a Lara. Even though the not-so-straight-preferences of Mahesh & our scheme of plot, point directly to one Brian Lara, you got it all wrong, pal! This time it’s the ravishing former Miss Universe turned Bollywood damsel Lara Dutta. Bhupathi was claimed to be the apparent reason behind Lara dumping Dino Morea (a 'who'?). The lady has been held responsible for the divorce between Bhupathi and Shwetha Jaishankar (another 'who'?). The couple has of late given ample indications of their closeness, including hand-in-hand appearances at many award shows.

Then why the delayed announcement?

In a clandestine revelation, Lara’s confessional stated that she feared being Mahesh’s doubles partner, as it meant, performing the famous heart-wrenching ‘Lee-Hesh’ ‘chest bump’ after every volley won. To watch it on T.V. while sipping a health drink is one thing, but on the field, especially with a madman fuming with pride for ones’ nation, it’s one ridiculously insane act. PERIOD. What if the silicone implants get permanently distorted like what happened to Sania Mirza? No, it’s definitely not her cup of herbal tea.

Thus, it took a while for Mahesh to convince Lara, who decided to nod in approval only when a pleading Mahesh recited his wedding vows in filmy style.

“I, (Mahesh), take you (Lara), to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold (without any chest bumping) from this day forward, for better (Martina Hingis) or for worse (Rakhi Sawant), for richer (Neeta Ambani), for poorer (again Rakhi Sawant), in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.”

P.S. When asked, Rakhi was very much excited to do the chest bumping thingy along with anyone except Mika Singh, sources said.

Obama's Fear of the Darkness a.k.a. Outsourcing!

Jittered by the sight of Indo-Pak duo Rohan Bopanna & Aisam-ul-Haq Qureshi continuing to make history at the US Open, reaching their maiden grand slam final, top seeded Bryan Brothers approached President Barack Obama, in an incognito summit, to put a halt to their winning streak. Obama was more than happy to oblige ever since he had a 'big time' complex with the Bollywood hunk John Abraham’s butt.

Consequence: OHIO BANNING OUTSOURCING

Reasoning: Discouraging the creation of jobs & profits in other countries will aid in hindering the progress of the developing nations, rendering them poor, fighting for survival!

“i.e. death of tennis, chess, soccer and snooker in the subcontinent. We no longer need to be afraid of the likes of Vishwanathan Anand, Paes/Bhupathi pair or even Pankaj Advani/Geet Sethi for that matter. Beware! Don’t stifle them in Cricket, yet. Then they may think of championing in other sports. Let them play cricket till we build up a ‘National Team’. By that time, even the stalwarts like Sachin & Sehwag will hopefully retire and hence winning wouldn’t be that difficult. Yes, We Can!” said an elated Obama after the hardcore threesome brainstorming session.

He also came up with a blinder of a speech by modifying some verses from Marianne Williamson’s book ‘A Return to Love’ saying, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is those third-world call centers who take our jobs away. It is our darkness (Precisely when it’s daytime for Indian call centers), not our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in every Americans (Screw the rest!). And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same (But don’t let those ‘Indian Slumdogs’ come up in life). As we are liberated from our own fear (outsourcing), our presence will automatically screw others and compel them to write their own epitaph.”

Wikipedia Going Glocal !

In a bid to localize the global content, the Wikimedia Foundation added Wikiglocal to the list of projects in its kitty. In an exclusive interview, Executive Director, Sue Gardner, discussed the changes in the industry and the reasons that lead to this transition. “Wikimedia is funded primarily through donations by hundreds of thousands of individuals, but also through several grants and gifts of servers and hosting,” said Ms. Gardner. “There are a lot of disputed territories, practices and customs in this big, bad, & ugly world which may be pristine to ones eye while deeply flawed to another’s. Thus 'Wikiglocal' is a tailor-made platform which helps in synthesizing this information thereby giving customized knowledge to those scoundrels who wants it that way!”

In short, you may find 'Arunachal Pradesh' as an integral part of India when viewed from the subcontinent while it may be named 'Xinxaou' province if some Chinese views it from Mainland China. Similarly, if a Pakistani wants to go(ogle) 'Sania Mirza', they will be graciously directed to 'Sania Malik’s' page (see pic). Same goes for Jesusama – Believe it or Not!

Salman Butt grilled by Scotland Yard; Insists on insuring his ‘butt’!

Scotland Yard managed to grapple the bums’ of six Pakistani cricketers, including their captain Salman Butt, allegedly involved in reports of match-fixing in the ongoing Test match between Pakistan and England at Lord’s.

An animated Butt has slammed the reports saying, “These are just allegations. Anyone can stand out and say anything about you. It doesn’t make them true. And on top of it, Mohammad Aamer, Mohammad Asif & I have jointly insured our butts. So nobody can screw us from behind!”

The allegations caused uproar in Pakistan, with Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani emphatically promising to launch a ‘rear-end’ investigation. In an incognito meeting with the players, President Asif Ali Zardari has expressed full support to his countrymen, provided they mail him some 'exclusive photos' taken for the said insurance purpose.

Beaten at the Oscars by ex wife Kathryn Bigelow’s Hurt Locker; James Cameron has completely lost it

Bigelow’s Hurt Locker success traumatized legendary James Cameron, who is all set to take revenge by conquering the next Oscars with the re-release of his legacy – ‘AVATAR’. The new version is said to contain an extra nine minutes, including a racy uncut pre-marital alien tentacle sex. (Phew!). Tamil actress Khushboo, who recently won a long and tough legal battle for her comments on pre-marital sex, was thrilled to endorse the movie on request of Mr. Cameroon.

Cameron's actual script was briefly posted online and featured some breathless descriptions of the scene! “

,” read the narrative (in Navi). For all those who are yet to master the language, here’s the depiction :

“The tendrils intertwine with gentle undulations. Jake rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers. The ultimate intimacy,” read the narrative (in English)

Cameron is fervently hoping that the Oscar jury will get overwhelmed seeing the blue creatures make out in 3D. And if that’s not enough to ensure a seat at the Oscars, the director/producer is remaking ‘TITANIC’ in 4D. Cameron is experimenting with this novel concept that will give the audience a never-before-felt experience; especially when one gets a feel of the celebrity sputum hitting one’s face, throughout the ‘who-can-spit-the-longest’ competition between Jack & Rose.

P.S. Chinese, Japanese, Malayalam & Slovenian translations are also available!

Congress Adopts New Theme Song for its Fav Child - RAHUL !

While Rehman’s Jai Ho is still the theme song of the Congress, the party allotted a unique ‘entry’ theme song by Butter Naan called Daddy's Flag, for the General Secretary Rahul Gandhi.

Disclaimer: It’s purely coincidental, if you find an appalling similarity to

K'Naan’s Soccer World Cup, 2010 anthem ‘Waving Flag’

[Cho(ng)rus]

When I get older, I will be ruler,

They'll call me Gandhi, just like my Daddy’s Flag,

And then it goes back, and then it goes back, And then it goes back

(Ohhhh Ohhhh Ohhhhh Ohhhh)

And everybody will be singing it

(Ohhhh Ohhhh Ohhhhh Ohhhh)

And you and I will be singing it

(Ohhhh Ohhhh Ohhhhh Ohhhh)

And we all will be singing it

(Ohhh Ohh Ohh Ohh)

So many votes, settling scores,

Bringing us promises, leaving us poor,

I heard them say, Aam Aadmi is the way,

Aam Aadmi is the answer, that's what they say,

But look how they treat us, Make us believers,

We fight their battles, then they deceive us,

Try to control us, they couldn't hold us,

Cause we just move forward (un)like BJP Soldiers

[Cho(ng)rus]

When I get older, I will be ruler,

They'll call me Gandhi, just like my Daddy’s Flag,

And then it goes back, and then it goes back,

And then it goes back

Ohhhh Ohhhh (continues)

Mayawati To Get Waxed (Yes! You heard it right) at Madame Tussauds!

UP CM Mayawati is all set to join the wax figures of the famed and famous at Madame Tussauds in Times Square, NY. The Indian Govt. is backing the initiative hoping against hope that this will help in gratifying her narcissistic hunger for statues and in stalling her dream project 'Ambedkar Samajik Parivartan Shodh Sansthan' a.k.a. My F@ k Buddies.

The curator of Tussauds Dr. D A Lit, raised a genuine concern stating, “Waxing the sizzling hot Mayawati, the one of a kind who can give Angelina Jolie a run for her money, might turn out to be too hot for us to handle, resulting in the wax figurine getting melted. Thus we may stick with the old tried and tested method of publicly immortalizing her in stone/brass as seen on streets of Lucknow”. A crestfallen Mayawati was seen opening her un-waxed heart to the New York press saying, “I was so very excited of getting waxed and becoming the first Dalit woman to do so. But due to unforeseen circumstances, it might not happen and thus I might have to deal with my un-waxed body till they find a solution”.

Now that explains a lot about her dressing sense!

'Tryst with Destiny' decoded after 63 long years !

Indian Independence Day Special Edition

(4 days late; thereby demonstrating the Indian-ness)

Expert cryptologists led by Dr. DaVinci of Old Monk Buddies Research Centre, have managed to decipher the famous I-Day speech by Jawaharlal Nehru, said to contain several hidden messages to Lady Edwina Mountbatten, including the usage of the term India in reference to Nehru himself. Thus the inspirational speech with subliminal pointers, “At the stroke of the midnight hour, when the world sleeps, India will awake to life and freedom”, secretly meant to set up a hush-hush date between the two for a ‘coochie-coo’ session, has been gravely mistaken as one arising out of Nehru’s overwhelming pride for the nation. After interpreting its true meaning, one can’t stop but fathom whether his long suppressed soul (Ref: The Ugly Truth (Movie)), found the much awaited utterance…

MERCENARIES reloaded - On A Maoist Hunt!

In a final, desperate effort to tackle the growing Maoist terror in the country, PM invited all the mercenaries (including those who died in Part 1 Expendables), to India, in hope of restoring peace. "The disastrous movie getting bombed at the box Office aided GoM in arriving at the unanimous decision", said hon'ble Home Minister P. Chidambaram. As in Part 1, Arnold and Bruce Willis too agreed to play a crucial 'blink-and-you'll-miss cameo' during the hunt!

Terrorism Process Outsourcing - TPO's

Boo$t Mobile's Day Out

Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na

What Scared Usain Bolt Out Of CWG?

The GODS must be CRAZY !!

MK Kaushik unCensored ..

Spidey Vs. Spidey & Sons Co Ltd.

Reel Life VS. Real Life

The unTold Story of PAUL..

11.07.2010 - Johannesburg

TeachINDIA : A word a Day

SPIT (at) THE FUTURE !!

IAF Group Captain - New Recruit !

The Solitude of Emperors !!

The Battle of the Sexes..

School of Gobbledygook !

Just Curious..

Celebrating It the NAXAL Way!

BP - Blindly Polluting the Ocean

Gen Alpha..

Brown Smoke!

Kids 2.0

FIFA, SA

Kites..

Yeh Ander Ki Baat Hai..

Tweet.. tweet.. tweet

Holy Cow !!

Hiss World !!